If you’ve been reading me for a while you know that I have dabbled in the idea of becoming a life coach. I have also considered myself to be something of a mentor.
So I am thinking of branching out and starting a pre-marital bootcamp.
Listen, I understand how all the wedding excitement can cloud your judgment. You might go into the possible engagement with serious concerns about your future partner’s job motivations or their strange family but once you start trying on Vera Wang dresses and mulling over table scapes you think it will all figure out itself in the end. But I’ve got news for you, it only gets worse. You think his inability to remember your birthday or the time it takes her to get ready is going to get any better post-wedding reception and tropical honeymoon? Um, it won’t.
Here’s my plan. Somewhere between placing the ring on your finger and meeting with your in-laws to discuss wedding budgets you meet with me for an intense sit-down conversation about your marital hopes and dreams. Things we will likely cover will include:
1. You think the sex is great now? What happens when you realize your partner needs to wear a sleep mask at night to breathe properly?
2. That trip to Cabo San Lucas was a blast, wasn’t it? Whose credit card did you use and how much do they pay off each month?
3. Do you plan on having children at some point or is one of you going to admit in 5 years that you actually really hate them?
Then the second part of my program will include a day trip to various households to see how other married couples live so that I can gage your physical reactions. Potential scenarios could include:
1. Couple enjoying family time with in-laws. Mother-in-law turns to the new bride and suggests she do a better job of keeping her home clean and making sure her son’s needs are tended to.
2. Swing by the home of woman recovering from spinal surgery in her bed with a catheter attached while her husband sits in family room drinking beers while their three children run circles around him screaming.
3. Couple living in small apartment because the husband wasted away their savings playing online poker.
4. Husband finding secret stash of clothes hidden in floorboards and ceiling ducts because the wife has a shopping addiction for Forever 21 and Pet Smart.
After each visit I will turn to the couple and ask them in a sing-songy voice if they are still in. “Still want to do this?”
The last part will have the couple moved to separate rooms where they will be blindfolded and asked to respond to questions with rapid responses. Answers will be scored accordingly. Potential questions could include:
1. What do you really think of his drunken friends?
2. Do you ever wish you were engaged to your boyfriend from high school?
3. Did you know she dyes her hair?
4. What if he suggested you need to join Weight Watchers?
5. What do you really think about his back hair?
6. What if your kids look like his sister?
Then I will reunite the couple after a delicious frozen dinner to deliver my assessment.
In the end I believe I can single handedly bring down the divorce rate.
-Kate Casey
Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. New mom. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter
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