Amore Magazine

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’ve been having a hard time with one of my best friends.  She has a great boyfriend and they have been together for over a year.  Anyhow, she has been seeing a guy at work off and on for a couple of weeks and it really bugs me.  Everyone knows about this except Mike, her boyfriend and it makes me really uncomfortable when we are all out together.  I told her that she is messing with a really good thing, but she told me she just needs to see what else is out there before getting any more serious with Mike.  Should I tell Mike or just keep out of it?

Justine

Dear Justine,

It is hard to watch good friends make mistakes—or what appears to be a mistake.  However, you have already spoken to your friend and she has told you her reason for her behavior.  You should not intervene and tell Mike because you have nothing to gain but will instead risk losing a friendship.  If “everyone” knows, Mike is going to hear about it from someone else sooner or later.  It also appears to me that the other relationship may be more of a flirtation at this point.  There is always a thrill when you meet someone new and over time, that usually fades.  Perhaps your friend is just enjoying some extra (and needed) attention? 

I have seen this happen most often when one person in a relationship wants to move things more quickly than the other.  The “less enthusiastic” person may look for other options to distract themselves.  This is not a good idea, but many people seem to be wired like this. 

Since this makes you uncomfortable, you may want to limit the time you spend with Mike and the group right now.  Remember, we are all responsible for our own actions and at some point, your friend is going to need to make a decision about staying with Mike or moving on.  She needs to work this out on her own terms so that she is clear about what she wants.  Sometimes the best thing a friend can do is be there when you are really needed and that time may come very soon.

Denise Shannon

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

My girlfriend is fun, great-looking, smart and friendly.  Our relationship is great and I’m really starting to see us together for awhile.  The problem is Facebook.  She posts almost everything about us on her statuses and is basically telling the world about everything we do!  Sometimes mutual friends will make comments to me about the things she writes and I’m a more private person, so this is extremely odd and uncomfortable.  And before you say it, I did talk to her about it and things were better for a week or so, but then it started again.  So now what?

Dillon

Dear Dillon,

You are not the first person I’ve encountered who has issues with “significant others” and their Facebook postings.  In most cases, the person making the postings does not intend to divulge information about others or cause embarrassment.  Instead, they feel they are sharing what is going on in their lives with others who may be interested.  Do her friends also make similar postings?  If it is the “norm” then she is more likely to continue unless she understands its impact on your life. 

One of my friends jokingly calls Facebook, “two-faced book” because there are some people who are using it to mess with others and tear down relationships instead of connecting with friends.  I agree that I would not like my personal life aired to an audience without my consent but the bottom line is you cannot control her postings. 

If she respects you, she will need to be vaguer in her comments, stop them altogether or not mention you.  Some people would advise that you post something personal about her in your status and see what she thinks.  I’m not as much a fan of this because although you would prove your point, you are not being true to yourself and it might backfire.  She might not think it is an issue and then you are back in the same spot you are now. 

You have a couple of options available.  You can continue to talk with her about not including you in her updates and perhaps over time it will improve.  Another idea is to stop reading her status updates and avoid Facebook when possible.  Or it may be that you need to issue an ultimatum to her — stop mentioning you and your relationship or you will end things.  Just don’t be surprised if your “threat” turns up in her next status.  However, if things go to this extreme, I would “unfriend” her so that even if you are the target of her messages for awhile, you won’t have to see them. 

Denise Shannon

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

OMG. My boyfriend and I are having trouble and I need someone else to help.  So I was out with my friend Kristi and we met a nice guy and hung out with him most of the evening.  He bought both of us drinks and was very nice and we gave each other our contact info.  No big deal.  Now my boyfriend is mad at me because he says I was cheating on him and that I must not care about our relationship!  It was totally innocent and I’m not sure what to do.  Can’t I have male friends and still be involved with someone?

Donna

Dear Donna,

My first question is “where was your boyfriend that night?”  Do you both go out with friends regularly or was this unusual?  There are two important things to look at in this situation—why is he reacting like this and second, what is the norm for your relationship?  I don’t know how long you have been together and whether or not you both consider the relationship to be exclusive.

However, you need to decide if you are happy with your current dating situation.  Assuming you are, talk to your boyfriend about your relationship and make sure you are both on the same page.  Are you exclusive or not?  What does that mean to each of you?  Is harmless flirting or meeting others ok?  Once you are both clear about expectations, then there should be fewer misunderstandings. 

Yes, you should be able to have male friends and continue to make new friends, but realize this means your boyfriend can also have female friends and make new ones.  Sometimes when you look at it from the other person’s perspective, you will see things differently. 

Hopefully these ideas will help you.  Just remember that one of the most important pieces to any relationship is trust.  You cannot spend every moment with someone and both of you need to know that you can rely on each other to do the “right thing” even when tempted. 

Denise Shannon

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

I’m not sure what to do about my current boyfriend.  First, he is wonderful and I really, really like him.  He’s different than most of the guys I’ve dated and things are going good.  The weird thing is that he keeps mentioning that he had this skanky girlfriend last year who slept around a lot.  He says he is wondering if she gave him something but that he has never had any sores or problems to make him think that he does.  I haven’t had this problem before and am not sure if it is safe to have sex with him or not.  We have taken things really slow, so I’m not in a rush because I feel like he will be around for a long, long time.  Do you think I need to be worried?

Darleen

Dear Darleen,

YES, I do think you should be worried, scared and grateful you haven’t slept with this guy.  The first thing you BOTH should do is get tested for STD’s (sexually transmitted diseases) at a clinic or through your doctors—whatever is most comfortable and convenient for you.  This will give both of you some answers about this situation before you move the relationship forward.

If, for any reason, your boyfriend refuses to have a test, then I would dump him.  No matter how great he is, if he is going to give you a “lifelong disease” then you need to make an informed decision about it.  Be grateful that he has given you a warning instead of keeping this to himself.  He obviously respects you enough to share his concerns, so I highly expect that he will go through with the testing. 

You may wonder why I suggest you get tested too. The answer is simple: why not?  It shows that you care about him and have nothing to hide.  Also, if you both have “clean” tests and he does have an STD later he will likely not blame you, although some diseases do not show on screening tests immediately.

I know this is tough, but part of being sexually responsible is taking care of yourself and those you “play” with, so do the right thing.  Once you both have the results, you can decide how to proceed.  Good luck.

Denise Shannon

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

So for the past year, “Keith” and I have had a great time dating.  I have no complaints and everything seems really good.  But lately he has been hinting about getting married!  I feel sick everytime I think about it and am starting to realize that I love him, but I’m not IN LOVE with him.  Is this crazy?  My best friend says that I have cold feet and that it will get better.  What do you think?

Kara

Dear Kara,

You certainly understand what you are saying and it sounds like you are being honest with yourself.  I really think you need to listen to your intuition about this and figure out why you are feeling like this.  Normally, the thought of a marriage proposal would be exciting so the fact that you are having the opposite reaction is something to take seriously. 

I highly suggest you see a therapist to determine if your concerns are related to this specific relationship (and perhaps can be worked out) or if there is something else going on with you personally.  For instance, if you come from a family with a high divorce rate, you may fear marrying someone because then you may also become divorced some day.  Dating may seem like a safe alternative to you if there are no strings attached.  However, I am just speculating.  Please consider seeing a trained therapist for a couple of sessions.  I think you will learn a lot about yourself and, in turn, will make the right decision for this relationship and for yourself.

As for your friend’s advice, it is not fair to Keith to become engaged when you are so doubtful.  One year is a good amount of time to fully evaluate a relationship because you have passed the infatuation stage and know each other as real people.  You should only move this relationship forward when it is solid because otherwise you will set yourselves up for disappointment.

Good luck to you!

Denise Shannon

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon
Dear Denise,

Hi Denise,

I need some help here. I joined a online group and I started getting messages from this really cute looking guy named Ben.  We had a lot in common and would message each other every day. After that we started calling and texting all the time. It came out at some point that he was going through a divorce and I def had the feeling that it probably wasn't a good idea but thought "hey maybe at least we could be really good friends". We met in real life and decided to be friends for now until everything with his divorce was all settled. When we met we both instantly felt the click and were not only attracted physically but mentally as well and we joked around constantly and "got" each other.

    We hung out again and I invited another guy friend along and we got along great and were all chill and talking about different things. It starts to get weird when we decided to take it a step further and kiss. It was amazing. We've hung out a bunch more since then and I won't do anything more than that because I want him to be done with the divorce. I feel like I am getting closer and closer to him and about to fall. Every time I see him I get the butterflies and I think about him all the time.

    I don't want to get hurt but I feel like if I don't step away from the situation he may not follow through with the divorce. I want him to make the right choices but also to hurry up.
    What do you think is the best choice?

He got married after knowing her for 2 months, they are both in the Navy, he wanted to wait, she pushed. It was a really fast wedding. He lives around here and she lives 1/2 the country away. There is more to the story with their relationship and how bad it is but I will leave it at that.

Leigh

Dear Leigh,

Wow!  This is exciting and I applaud you for taking your time and making sure that everything is “right” before fully jumping into a relationship.  You obviously realize that he needs to finish his old relationship before committing to a new one and have taken steps to move slowly.  Also, you want to protect yourself and not be too involved with him before he is truly “free.”  I know this is difficult, but also the best way to keep from being disappointed.

I’m confused on why you think you need to step away?  Hasn’t one of them filed for divorce?  If they have, then it really is just a matter of time before it will be officially over.  You can still date or just spend time together and decide later on the right time to move things to the next level.  You said in your email that you have both decided to be friends until the divorce is final.  You can still be attracted to each other and spend time together, just don’t put yourselves in a situation that could tempt you to go too far.  If you are both aware of the boundaries and respect the decision you have made together, then everything should be fine.

The beginning of any romance is always fun—the butterflies when you see him, getting excited about spending time together and imagining the possibilities ahead.  Enjoy this and continue to take things at a pace that makes sense for both of you.  If it is true love, it can wait until the pieces fall into place.  Good luck to you both!

Denise Shannon

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years, ever since my divorce.  He has never been married and I have a young son.  We only see each other when my son is at his Dad’s house so our relationship is more about quality than quantity of time.  The problem is that lately “Ben” has been talking about how we should both see other people and seems to be pushing me away.  We have a history of breaking up, then getting back together, but this seems different this time.  He also has been hanging out with a co-worker who just moved to the area and he claims to be “showing her around” and introducing her to local restaurants and nightlife.  I’m really confused and am not sure what to do.

Sue

Dear Sue,

My initial reaction is that Ben wants to end your relationship but either lacks the courage to do it and/or doesn’t want to hurt you.  Unfortunately, he is hurting you and one of you needs to make a move.  It seems to me, if your sweetie cared for you the same as you care for him, he would not spend so much time entertaining his co-worker.  Has he invited you to any of their outings?  Have you met her?  If your relationship was his focus, you would be included in helping to “introduce her to the area” but since you are not, I think it is pretty obvious that his interest in her is beyond friendship.

You have a couple of options available.  First, you can continue to be unhappy and wait to see what happens with Ben and his co-worker.  Second, you can break-up with him and see if he accepts that or if he wants to work on his relationship with you.  Third, you can end the relationship with him (regardless of what he promises to you) and move on to find someone who would be a better companion for you. 

Another observation:  you have been dating Ben since your divorce which leads me to believe he may have been the only person you have dated post-divorce.  Do you think it is possible you were hoping to re-create your family unit for your son and that Ben isn’t comfortable with that idea?  When you already have a child, it is important to consider their needs but it can add a lot of pressure to dating when you have the goal of creating a family unit instead of being a couple first.

I wish you success as you move forward and I hope that you find your happiness.

Denise

Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon

Dear Denise,

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of weeks ago and I just don’t feel like dating right now.  My friends keep offering to take me out to try to meet someone and want to set me up.  The weird thing is that I don’t mind being single right now and am enjoying having some time to myself.  How do I get my friends to understand this?  I think they will think I am weird. 

Laura

Dear Laura,

I’m sorry to hear about the end of your relationship but I applaud you wanting to take some time for yourself.  Please don’t let others pressure you into dating when it isn’t the right time for you.  It is very common to take a break between relationships and is a very healthy way to take care of yourself.  Real relationships take time and energy.  If you are unable to give yourself fully, it is better to take a break and consider your options.  Some people use breaks to pursue a new hobby or interest, catch-up on things they have neglected or reconnect with friends.  There are so many ways to spend the time—it is only limited by your imagination.

As for your friends, they may not understand but feel free to try to explain your situation to them.  Probably the best way is for you to share your upcoming plans.  If you are excited about what is new in your life, they will be more supportive of you.  Let them know that you appreciate their concern for you and that when you are ready to re-enter the dating arena you will definitely let them know.  

Good luck to you as you move through this phase in your life.  It may not last long, so make the most of it!

Denise Shannon