As a mom of a 2 month old baby, I have had a quasi-love affair with all things Jessica Simpson for approximately the past 11 months. Yes, it came as a surprise to me, too.
While I appreciate her effort to provide fast fashion at affordable prices and have found myself humming “Boy I think that I’m in love with yooou,” well past the late 90′s, it was her proud and public display of sheer pregnancy gluttony that really sealed the deal.
When I would find myself unable to see my feet and feeling guilty about my 3rd PB&J of the day, BAM!, there was J.Simp proclaiming she was eating sheets and sheets of “slutty” brownies.
When I would head to Jack in the Box for a large curly fries to be devoured in the solitude of my car (where I would not have to share with my grabby two-year-old) only to arrive home for a serving of self-loathing for dessert, I could click on the TV and see sweet Jessie on The Ellen Show happily dipping her onion rings in thick ranch dressing mid-interview.
I was big.
But she was bigger.
Truthfully (but not proudly) I loved it.
Jessica Simpson’s enormous and unapologetic pregnancy appetite made me feel better about my less-enormous and semi-apologetic one. ”Jessica Simpson is wealthy enough to afford a nutritionist, chef, and stylist but look at this hot mess!” In my nothing-fits-and-everything-except-salad-tastes-delicious pregnant state, I delighted in the semi-fact that, “She was just like me!”
By the way, this is not schadenfreude, people. I was pregnant, too. I reveled in her openness (and yes, her fashion missteps too) because it straight-up made me feel better. Just like J.Simp’s affinity for cherry cobbler and Kraft mac n’ cheese, I surmised that for 40 weeks I was allowed this unreasonable and unhealthy indulgence.
My only dismay was hearing Jessica claim to have gained a mere 40 pounds. See, any woman with functioning eyeballs could easily see that Jess was carrying a solid 70+ lbs of “baby” weight before she went into hiding. (This was independently confirmed by my pop culture-savvy OB/GYN who placed Jessica at well over 200 lbs on her 5’2″ frame.)
Understand that I am not saying there is anything wrong with gaining 40, 50, or even 70 pounds. I’m just saying…Jess, pregnant ladies everywhere are counting on you. Keep it real, sister.
That said, I should have seen it coming…
Imagine my delight to hear my sweet J. Simp was scheduled to make her public post-partum body debut on Katie Couric’s new talk show this afternoon. We’ve all seen the unflattering paparazzi candids over the past few months showing Jessica struggling (as so many of us do) to do battle against her new mommy thighs and muffin top while simultaneously operating on a roller coaster of hormones coupled with torturous amounts of sleep deprivation. “She’s just like me!”
Underscored by a $4M deal from Weight Watchers and a rigorous training schedule with celeb body sculptor Harley Pasternak which apparently relied heavily on walking (!) with a pedometer (!) because such big boobs make it too hard to jog, Jessica presented herself today a mere 10 pounds from her pre-pregnancy weight. How DID she do it?
Now let me break it down. Jessica Simpson is a beautiful new mommy. Her makeup and hair are typically flawless. There’s no doubt she has been trying to work out and I’m sure she’s eating more salads than Tex-Mex. But come on now…there is a good reason why her WW commercial does not feature a full body shot and it has nothing to do with who she is. My mind hearkens back to her many bikini shots from the Dukes of Hazzard days. What I saw on Katie featured a woman cashing in on a $4M paycheck while relying heavily on at least three pair of Spanx and some major facial contouring (Google “Kim Kardashian Face Contouring”) while going a bit light on the truth.
JSimp, I thought you knew me better by now. If you’re going to get me to consider purchasing a pair of your reasonably-priced 4″ cork wedges and potentially even join Weight Watchers by selling me on your candid struggles with losing the baby bulge, then come on, lady. Keep it on the up and up. I only have 10 lbs left to go myself…I was counting on you, girl. I’d have loved you more (and doubled down on the shoes) if you had just admitted that despite it all you’ve still got 25 big ones left to drop, it’s a huge pain in the ass, and you don’t feel like doing the work because babies are hard enough work and frankly, You. Are. Effing. Tired.
Jessica Simpson! She’s just like you and me!
…Except when she’s not.
Epilogue:
By the way, let me just say that I think all pregnant women and new moms should get a pass. Like, a one whole year pass. They should not be placed under a weight loss microscope or feel pressure to pop back into shape in 3 weeks. Google Hillary Duff’s recent vacation photos with her baby. She looks healthy, happy, and frankly like a new mom should. However, when you are paid to lose weight and put yourself in the public eye as an example of such, you both invite and deserve the scrutiny. You are being paid for it. Cry me a river and mop up the tears with your stacks of hundred dollar bills, ya’ll.
-Kate Casey
Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. New mom. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter
