Amore Magazine

It’s no secret that if I could have redone things in my career I may have pursued a career as a Hollywood agent. (Why did I get a degree in political science and consider a job in Washington DC when so many in Hollywood need me?) I still think I should give it a shot.

I would like to use this as an opportunity to pursue my first client Ms. Courtney Stodden, a true renaissance woman. While her current agent, who might be her mom, has her pursuing gigs on reality shows in the U.K. I would start at a grass roots level.

Here’s my suggestion. Courtney Stodden should be a motivational speaker for high schools.

Hear me out.

Most schools like to bring in people who have overcome insurmountable odds. Should we look any further? This is my pitch letter to superintendents in various school districts across the country.

To Whom It May Concern,

As you complete your assembly speaker schedules for the rest of the school year I would like to offer you a very high profile client. Courtney Alexis Stodden is one of the nation’s most compelling American television personalities. In 2011 at the age of 16-years-old Stodden faced widespread criticism for marrying a 51-year-old actor. Born in Tacoma, Washington she had an idyllic childhood she refers to as “beautiful like butterflies dipped in honey sunshine” with two older sisters and her parents Alex and Krista. But because of her incredible beauty and questionable ability to do simple math she was forced to drop out of her high school because of bullying. Homeschooled with rigorous course work in VH1 videos and Full House episodes she was able to eventually complete her education through an online “private Christian Academy” called Forgery Academy of the Americas. Armed with her online degree she aspired to be a country music star like her hero Wynonna Judd, but minus the innate talent. It was through an Internet acting workshop she met Doug Hutchison, the instructor famous for his role as a creep in the television series LOST. Because their communication began in an Internet chat room Hutchison was unaware that she was still considered an underage minor. When Hutchison became aware of her age he promised to cease communication, but her mother who had her own hopes for one day appearing in Playboy asked Baby Jesus for some direction. Since they were devout Christians she let Courtney decide how to proceed. On May 20, 2011 Courtney and Hutchison were married in a Las Vegas Chapel making her his third wife. Their witnesses were a drag queen and prostitute.

The couple made various media appearances together over the next two years including stints on Good Morning America and Couples Therapy before announcing their split on November 1, 2013. It was during her appearance on the British version of Celebrity Big Brother and facing an eviction she realized her own strength as a powerful lady gal. Armed with a face full of plastic and a new set of jugs she slurred her way through a face to face with her husband and told him she wanted out of their marriage.

Courtney Stodden can discuss how important it is to remain calm and medicated when facing obstacles. She can discuss the importance of hair extensions and tube tops in a technological age. She can give interesting insight into how to wade through the deep waters of the entertainment business without reading through contracts or remaining awake more than 3 hours a day. Her message is simple: Stand Tall in Your Lucite Heels. Please contact me with further questions about speaking fees and whether paramedics will be available on standby.

Warm regards,

Kate

LoveandKnuckles Agency, California

- Kate Casey

* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter

If Courtney Stodden were still in high school we're sure she'd rock some Little Balck Dresses, Evening Dresses, or when getting married look good in a Cheap Wedding Dress. Didn't she already do that??!!!

Fine.

I’ll be in your band. Guess I can dust off the old microphone and shine up the old leather jacket.

Obviously the band has been missing a little something and maybe what you need is a married mother of 3 in her 30s.

Sure, your band is targeted to teenage girls between the ages of 9 and 13. But who better to understand their hopes, and dreams, and struggles better than someone who also gets a monthly period? Maybe instead of singing songs about falling in love we riff about what it feels like to get boobs or combatting cramps? Or maybe we should take a whole different approach. I could belt out a few songs about choosing the right health plan or property taxes? Maybe a love ballad about how you found out on Facebook that your ex-boyfriend sells insurance and lives in a trailer? Who wouldn’t love a rock anthem about wanting to quit your job but being afraid you won’t find another equal paying job in a down market? Most of those kids have moved onto someone else anyway. Your old fans have moved onto Bieber or one of the 75 contestants on American Idol or The Voice. I offer something different. I can give you suburban sass. I can give you postpartum realness.

So, yes. I will be in your band even if I am not a brother. Even if I never owned a purity ring. Even if I can only limit road travel to Orange County so I can feed my kids dinner and get to bed before 10:00.

Jonas Tour 2014!

- Kate Casey

* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter

Are you ready to have your feathered hair blown back? Because you might need to sit down for this one.

This is what happens when you become a teen sensation and then you hit puberty. This is what happens when your fame hungry parent is your manager. 3. This is what happens when your dim-witted “wife” and her equally fame hungry family are willing to do anything for their own show.

Read and then let’s discuss.

The original blind item: [Blind Gossip] Beyonce used a baby pillow to fake a baby bump that was being carried by a surrogate. But this celebrity couple has taken the baby bump ploy to a whole new level! We’ve told you about this married couple before. They have a reality show, and they are desperate, desperate, desperate for attention. So now they are faking a pregnancy. That’s right. She’s not pregnant. Their claim that they are going to become parents soon is fake, fake, fake. And we have some new information about how they are continuing this sham! There’s a pillow! And a bad one at that. Yes, they are using a pillow to fake a baby bump… for a baby that will never happen! We found out that there is no surrogate, that they have not been able to arrange for an adoption, and that they are frantic that we have exposed their lie. So how will this end? As of this week, their plan is to fake a misc*rriage of their fake baby and then shed some fake tears. Now comes the big question: When will this happen? We found out that it’s going to be a “tragic” second trimester loss. Awww. And here’s a bonus: They are thinking of blaming us for the misc*rriage! What?! We would laugh if the whole thing wasn’t so completely pathetic. Will the fake tragedy boost ratings for their reality show? Will it boost sales of the husband’s album? Will it boost ticket sales for his upcoming concert series? That’s what they’re counting on! We’ll know if their plan worked before the end of the year.

SOLVED: Danielle Jonas of the reality show Married to Jonas is NOT pregnant. She never WAS pregnant. The entire pregnancy was a lie from the very beginning! Why fake a pregnancy? They planned the fake pregnancy for two major reasons: to give them a significant story line in their reality show to increase weak ratings; and to increase interest and sales of the Jonas Brothers’ music. Kevin and Danielle and the rest of the Jonas family were accepting gifts, selling apps to give fans exclusive access to the fake gender announcement, and giving interviews to try to increase interest in the reality show and the now-canceled Jonas Brothers tour and album. To further perpetuate this scam, Danielle and Kevin bought a series of five fake pregnancy bellies from a company called Moon Bump (makers of fake prosthetic bellies for the television and film industry) in May 2013. Unable to procure an adopted child for the fake birth, they decided to announce a tragic miscarriage just as the band began their fall tour and released their album. They believed that you would feel sorry for them and would want to support them by buying their stuff and watching their show. But now the Jonas Brothers tour is off, the album is canceled, and we’ve exposed this lie. So what are they going to do? Well, they have been tossing around the following options in the past week: They could say that the miscarriage recently occurred as a result of the stress of the current situation (Let’s all blame Joe’s drug addiction!); They could go ahead with the planned baby shower next month, and then have a dramatic miscarriage happen just as the shower is supposed to take place; They could take it all the way to the fake due date in January, and announce that the baby was stillborn; or they could do something in-between. Only one thing is certain for right now: this baby will never happen. Every single member of the Jonas and Deleasa families were in on this lie from the very beginning. Every interview that Kevin and Danielle and Joe and Nick gave talking about how excited they were to be parents and uncles was a lie. By the way, the stillborn scenario was Papa Jonas’ preference, as he wanted them to milk this story line for as long as possible. Album sales! Concert ticket sales! Apps! TV ratings! Money, money, money! The Jonas Brothers have been silent for the past week about the Joe Jonas drug story (which we also broke), and have just pulled down their Twitter account. They knew that they we were about to out them for this horrific pregnancy lie and are in panic mode. They are trying to spin this with E! and Radar and Star and National Enquirer and People and a bunch of other “celebrity-friendly” outlets. They have been lying, spinning, begging, and threatening for the past week. It will be interesting to hear what other media sources will report about the baby while the family goes into hiding. Also involved in this sham: Ryan Seacrest. He produces Married to Jonas, along with all of the Kardashian reality shows. The ratings for the  “Married to Jonas” have been weak. Ryan likes to think of himself as a one-man entertainment dynasty who creates quality programming. The truth is that his reality shows have very little relation to reality. He makes money from producing shows with scripted story lines and getting viewers caught up in a lot of phony drama. But faking a pregnancy and a miscarriage/stillbirth for ratings and money is a new low. Shame on all of those who participated in this fiasco.

- Kate Casey

* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter

Kris and Bruce Jenner have finally admitted they are separated. You didn’t really think she bought him that house in Malibu so he could have alone time? That was her systematic plan to get him out of her way. Let’s be honest, she can’t stand him. His clothes drawer was in their garage. If he wanted to use the bathroom she made him squat in a hole behind the front gate. He had to pick up his mail at a post office box three towns over. Now they are free to openly date in public. She thinks she should be with someone who is twenty years younger. He’s hoping he meets someone at the dry cleaners. So he needs some help. Maybe Patti Stanger can get him on the horn? Or he could just kick it old school and go on match.com.

This is how I envision his profile:

MALIBUMAN63

About me and what I am looking for:

After three marriages and give or take 10 kids I am galloping into a new chapter in my life. I am not quite sure if I will ever marry again because without a prenup and due to my extensive contract with E! Entertainment I might have to remain technically married for the foreseeable future. Though I must admit the idea of having a woman to hold me late at night sounds wonderful. That’s how it works, right? The woman holds a man in a fetal position?

Do you like to take long walks on the Calabasas sidewalks? Love to fly helicopters at local parks? I’d love the chance to take you to the golf course so we can hit balls and I can reflect on the episode of Silver Spoons when I revealed my dyslexia diagnosis to the Stratton family.

It would be nice to find someone who is a good listener. Feels like I have spent the better part of the last five years having intimate conversations with the wall. We can run each other’s hands through our matching shoulder length hair and try on each other’s diamond earrings. We can compare face-lift scars. Did I mention I participated in the decathlon?

We could talk about me, my appearances on Skating With the Celebrities and Celebrity Family Feud. Maybe snack on one of the old Wheaties boxes. We can even swing by my son’s house for a barbecue since I’m allowed to talk to him again. So let’s do it, Fancy Face. Let’s jump on a scooter and ride this love into the sunset.

- Kate Casey

* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter