Amore Magazine

This weekend I tried to explain the premise of Sister Wives to my husband.

“Okay, so this show is about a polygamous family. But they’re not the fundamentalist kind that live in a compound and wear long braids and skirts. They are the sassy Mormons who can wear Maybelline makeup and feather their hair. That guy who may or may not be part caveman is the husband. I am not sure what he does for a living. I am going to guess he is a salesman, like for one of those pyramid scheme companies. You know what. I think he actually sells green juices, which is weird because they are all overweight. Anyway, the lady wearing the tank top over the t-shirt is the first wife. That is Meri and they have one child together. The second wife Janelle is the larger lady with the big teeth and the brittle hair. She’s the smart one. They let her manage the finances. She does spread sheets I guess. She’s got a bunch of kids with him though I am not sure they have actually had sex in at least ten years. Christine is the third wife. She’s the one with the long blonde hair crying in the corner. She’s the stay at home mom of the group. I am pretty sure she was raised in a Polygamous family because she seems the most legit. Janelle hates her. (Though I think Janelle hates everyone). You can tell she just thinks she’s an idiot. I mean her kids have names like Mykelti and Aspyn. The one she’s holding is named Truly. Swear to God. Then you have Robyn. She’s the fourth wife. I think they met at a barbecue. She’s a divorcee. I know, very scandalous. She already had a few kids and then after they got pretend-hitched in some super weird vow ceremony she had his baby. I think it was her way of marking her territory. I think you can’t kick a wife out of the cult if she’s had your baby. I think I read that somewhere. Anyway, they all live in Las Vegas in four separate houses. He just has a dresser filled with stonewashed jeans and ill fitted button up shirts at each house. Probably beats having to carry a duffle bag everywhere. Robyn offered to have a baby for Meri because she’s had fertility problems. Between you and me I think it was her way of rubbing it in Meri’s face that her fallopian eggs still work and Kody finds her attractive. I mean, she’s clearly the favorite. When she got married Kody let her wear a wedding dress. The other three had to wear one of those depressing Polygamy dresses, so they were pissed. But she’s always holding on by a thread. I am not sure if you are technically allowed to take antidepressants if you are polygamous, but she should be on some. I mean I wouldn’t be surprised if she sobs in the shower at night. So, anyway, they all live on a cul-de-sac so their kids can all play together and so they can monitor each other and make sure the others are not getting a bigger TJ Maxx budget. Janelle and Robyn are having some problems because Robyn wants an online store where she can sell trinkets and multiple wife themed jewelry. What does that mean? I don’t know. I guess sister wife friendship bracelets? But Janelle thinks it is a stupid idea because who the hell wants a necklace designed by women in a repressive culture? I mean they wear Capri pants and bad sandals. Plus Kody doesn’t want to have to shill their trinkets either because he worries women would get the wrong idea. Like they would think he was trying to rope them into becoming the 5th wife. Why would anyone get that crazy idea? But I think Janelle ended up changing her mind about the whole thing because she wants to design and sell exercise clothes for plus sized women on the site. Yes, that is correct. She wants to design workout gear. Also, I am fairly certain Kody might be intellectually challenged.”

- Kate Casey

* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter