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In 2005 former Scientologist Anette Iren Johansen claims she was interviewed for the role of Tom Cruise’s wife. Church officials video taped a meeting where she was asked questions about her life, family background, and everything she had ever done in Scientology.” At the time she was told to sign a gagging clause preventing her from speaking about the details of the meeting. You might remember the church also arranged auditions for several Hollywood actresses including Scarlett Johansson before the position was ultimately given to an easy-to-brainwash Holmes.

In 2005 I was still waiting for my husband to propose to me. Since I was technically still single could I have been considered for that role? I mean overlooking the fact that I am not nor have I ever been a Scientologist? Do you think I would have ever been able to make it past the first round of interviews?

Q: Tell us about yourself.

A: I am 28 years old and I am originally from West Chester, Pennsylvania. You may know it as the hometown of the 80s rock band The Hooters.  Now I live in

Los Angeles around the corner from the surviving member of Milli Vanilli.

Q: Where is your family?

A: Back east. My stepfather finally just kicked the bucket after claiming for 15 years that he “didn’t have much longer to go”. I was summoned to his hospital room countless times to see him receive last rites only to come home a few days later. So annoying. The last time I saw his full urine bottle sitting on the hospital tray. I never went back.

Q: Where did you go to school?

A: High school? I was shipped away to a boarding school in Hershey for high school. We were forced to do essentially what could be considered slave labor in the middle of farm country. Then I headed to Washington DC to study political science. After interning at the White House and on campaigns I realized I probably wasn’t destined for political office. I probably should have gone with my backup plan to become a Hollywood agent.

Q: Do you go to church?

A: Can I level with you? I went to the Episcopal Church in Beverly Hills the week I moved here and the fact that Mrs. Walsh from Beverly Hills 90210 handed me the offertory plate was a little unsettling. How am I supposed to pray when all I want to do is ask her whether she approved of Shannon Dougherty’s behavior on set or if Tori Spelling ever really auditioned?

Q: What do you think about Tom Cruise?

A: Are we talking Top Gun days? Definitely hot. He lost me after The Last Samurai. His hair was so greasy and the robes? And what in the hell did he do to Nicole Kidman to make her go off the rails?

Q: What do you know about Scientology?

A: Oh, those nut bags? The people who believe sitting in a sauna will get rid of toxins? I don’t do steam rooms. It does a number on my hair. Plus they make you pay for courses. I’d rather spend my money on earrings. Do they celebrate Christmas? What about Columbus Day? Do you have to carry a sword with you at all times?

And then I would be escorted out to a waiting white van that would drop me off alongside the I-5.

- Kate Casey

* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter

Leah Remini’s older sister Nicole granted a radio interview to Minneapolis station My Talk 107.1 and dropped what is being called a bombshell about the events that led to the star’s deflection. She says that it all started with Tom Cruise’s wedding to Katie Holmes in 2006. Nicole says Leah witnessed “inappropriate” behavior that shocked her. “When asked about Tom bringing the head of the church on his honeymoon with Katie Holmes, Nicole said: “Yeah, they have a very strange relationship, and you know, one of the things, you know, when Leah came back from the wedding, you know, whatever happens, happens. “Leah had brought up to a very, very close friend of hers out of the house, like in private… ‘You know, I just think that it is really weird how involved Tom is with the upper levels of the Church.’ Like what, she just started questioning a little bit like, what was going on. “And just kind of the amount of, how do I, I just need to say this right, how involved he was with the upper level people. “And somebody actually wrote a report on her — her best friend wrote a report on her that she questioned it. Well then Leah got pulled in it’s like how dare she question what is going on with Tom and his relationship with people within the church.”

So I started to imagine what kind of imaginary letter Leah could write to Tom.

Dear Tom,

So I am gathering you’ve finally received word that I’ve been in trouble with everyone at the church since I came back from the shit show you called a wedding back in ’06. I was over at the pasta station when I asked David what happened to his wife. He seemed pissed but looking back it was probably because he thought he was actually marrying you. So the last thing he probably wanted was to be reminded he is still legally married and to a woman nonetheless. I mean – really – you brought him along for the honeymoon on a boat with just Katie and Suri. Sure, give the new “wife” a distraction while you dive off the boat in your meatball huggers with your best man. Could you have made it more obvious? Shackle the new lady to the mansion while you go motorcycling and rock climbing into the sunset. 

And I suppose I could have kept my mouth shut. But have you seen King of Queens? Why do you think Julie Chen over at The Talk wanted me gone? It’s not my thing to stay quiet. Jennifer Lopez is still pissed at me for joking about how much money she makes from hair ads when half her head is a weave. Marc Anthony didn’t like it when I asked him if he shopped for his jeans at Justice at the Glendale mall. So things are not going to change.

Everyone is going down. That means Kirstie Alley and had her bag of B.S. It means Jenna Elfman and those brothers that were on the 70s Show. Will and Jada Smith too.

And I will be making a call to Kidman. 

Warm regards,

Leah

- Kate Casey

* Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter

I love it when a celebrity publicist plants an obvious story. The more obvious it is, the better. Because no matter how famous you are your publicity team still needs to make regular calls to reporters at all the weeklies to ensure you get print. Tom Cruise is 50 years old. He’s no longer getting photographed with a robot wife and their daughter. He’s got a new movie to sell and a taped deposition in a lawsuit he’s trying to sweep under the rug. So he’s got to divert attention and somehow his publicists think the way to do it is to come up with a hilarious plant about taking a restaurant hostess out for a romantic night in New York City.

From In Touch Weekly (slumming it, I would say for the Tomas of yester year):

“On December 18, the Collateral star swept his date, Queens native Cynthia Jorge off her feet at New York’s Le Baron nightclub, an insider who saw the exchange told a weekly magazine. “They did the salsa. He took her in his arms and spun her around the dance floor,” the insider told the magazine. “Tom looked like a pro. At one point, they began grinding together. It was straight out of Dirty Dancing.”

He took her in his arms and began “grinding” together straight out of Dirty Dancing? Did she also do the lift in the center of the dance floor while a circle formed around them?

Can you imagine the plants that hit the cutting room floor? If they were going to go balls out, maybe they should have considered some other options:

1.    “On December 18, the Jack Reacher star took his date, Scranton native Crystal Trollip on a whirlwind date to Times Square that culminated with some dry humping on top of a street grate.”
2.    “On December 18, the Rock of Ages star took his date, Kansas City native Roberta Robinson on a titillating date to the Broadway performance of West Side Story. By the end of the show they were both doing toe touches in the aisle.”
3.    “On December 18, the Top Gun star took his date Chris Christianson to a pet heavy date at a karaoke bar in Greenwich Village where he serenaded with her the Dolly Parton/Kenny Rogers classic “Islands in the Stream.”

If Tom Cruise really went out on a date I doubt he would take them dancing. He’d probably arrange an auditing session at the Scientology Center after racing motorbikes in the dessert near the L. Ron Hubbard compound. You know – romantic stuff.

-Kate Casey

Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. New mom. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter