Relationship Advice From Our Resident Expert, Denise Shannon
Dear Denise,
I’ve got a complicated situation and hope you can help me! “Phil” and I have been seeing each other for 8 months and have broken up then gotten back together three times. It’s always for the same reasons because he says he is going to change, then does for about a week or so, then goes back to his same old ways.
It is frustrating because he says he loves me and I love him too, but I just don’t see a future together if he can’t change. Some of my friends have told me to give him an ultimatum but I feel like his parent, not his girlfriend if I act like that. I suggested that he might want to go to counseling and he said that is a waste of time. I even offered to go with him, but no luck. Now what?
Mindy
Dear Mindy,
Relationships are complicated but one of the basic and most important things to remember is that you can’t change someone. Only they can change themselves. You didn’t mention what type of change you want your boyfriend to make, but obviously it pacifies you when he attempts to change for a short period of time. But you are in a cycle that is going to continue to repeat itself until one of you makes a dramatic change—he changes for good, you accept his flaw or one of you ends the relationship. I wish there were another, easier option, but unfortunately I do not see one without knowing more details.
This may be difficult to understand but think about your own life. Have you ever made a big change? Did you motivate yourself or did someone else push you to do it? How did it work out? With the exception of our parents “teaching us a lesson” often the best motivator is yourself because you really need to want the change and being willing to work for it, in order for it to be successful.
As you noted, issuing an ultimatum is not an effective move but you hear about people doing this often. It really just makes people more confrontational because it places them in a defensive position. Last, it is not a good sign when someone is completely resistant to trying therapy/counseling. If he really wanted to try to save the relationship, I would hope he would be willing to work on things—with or without a counselor.
This is not an easy situation and you should evaluate what you want and need from a relationship. Once you know that information, you will be able to move forward much easier. Best of luck to you.
Denise Shannon
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