I have recently come to the conclusion that Tom Cruise and I would never have been a good match. There was a time in the early 2000s when we were both single and living in Los Angeles, so it could have happened. Perhaps if I had been open to a life of brainwashing things might have turned out differently. While I do think that we have complimentary tastes in jeans and we both like warmer climates, there would obviously be some major issues we would have had to iron out. I have outlined some of them below.
1. Tom likes his women to stand in the background like wallflowers willing to adore him and allow him to receive the constant praise he expects.
I like to do high kicks and jazz hands, preferably in public. I might at times feel the need to push him out of my way on a red carpet to say nothing of my desire to one day perform a duet with Barry Manilow.
2. He speaks often about his life with wife Katie and daughter Suri as "magical".
I doubt he would do the same for me. He'd probably refer to our life together as "fine" or say "things could be worse."
3. He would require me to take Scientology courses, attend church related events, and be audited regularly.
I can't even get myself together on Sundays. The Priest at my own church must think I am part of the witness protection program. I'd probably ask too many questions about their tax-exempt status and I doubt anyone would appreciate my concerns over being strapped to a lie detector test or the threat of being blackmailed.
4. He is vain. A Brazilian plastic surgeon practically outed him as a client recently, which would explain his most recent waxy look at his movie premieres. He also likes to wear makeup at public appearances and rumor has it he likes to borrow Katie's fancy skin creams.
Your husband should not be prettier than you. He also shouldn't have longer hair or have creamier skin. It should be a law. My hair is always pulled back, I wear little to no makeup in public, and I always forget to wear moisturizer. So basically I look like an Amish woman. So I would make a pretty crappy trophy wife.
5. He likes to wear platforms in his shoes.
Call me old fashioned, but I think there is only room for one set of heels in a marriage.
6. His idea of a romantic evening is racing motorcycles or jumping off a building.
My idea of romance is making out.
7. He likes to surround himself with staff, family members, and church officials that tell him how wonderful he is on a daily basis.
Someone needs to keep it real, and that would require too much of my time. I like my relatives to live on the other side of the country, not across the hallway.
-Kate Casey
Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. New mom. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter
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