Amore Magazine

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Cosmopolitan has a fascinating interview with Lindsay Lohan’s former assistant. Gavin Doyle now works for a magazine but granted us all access into Lohan’s world because he’s apparently writing a book about his experience. (Note to self: Pre-order book for my yet to be established book club).

Here’s what you need to know. (Especially if you have plans to quit your stable job, move to West Hollywood, live in a crack den, and become a lackey for someone with addiction issues and narcissistic personality disorder).

1. He had to wake her up in the morning.

Gavin developed a complex system to wake LiLo up every morning and get her where she needed to be. In addition to setting multiple wake-up calls at the Chateau Marmont, where they were staying, he’d head to a bagel shop in Beverly Hills at the crack of dawn to get her favorite breakfast of bagels and eggs, turn on all the lights in her room, noisily pack her bag, and play top 40 music or indie rock from her iPod. “There were days when we’d shot for 18 hours and had to be on set five hours later and she was exhausted so she’d say, ‘give me 20 more minutes to sleep,’” Gavin says. “I bribed her with breakfast.”

Wait. She has curtains? I just picture her with broken blinds in a room with a mattress on a floor and one lava lamp. Breakfast? Isn’t she a chronic Adderall popper? She probably eats ecstasy. Plus no one in show business eats bagels. Then he would have to pack her bag? Would you want to be the man that packs Lohan’s duffle bag? Because my guess is that it would require him to sift through her underwear drawer (if she owns any). Because I can’t imagine she’s big on getting her clothes cleaned. So you’d have to use a large branch from a tree to find a suitable tank top and skirt from the vomit and urine filled pile on the bathroom floor.

2. He would have to communicate with the director on her behalf.

“A lot of the cast members in The Canyons were porn stars, so they were comfortably walking around naked,” Gavin says. “I had to ask the director whether we could shoot the foursome scene at the end of the day instead of at 10:00 in the morning because it would make everyone more comfortable to do it last.”

Wouldn’t it be at this point you look inward and ask yourself what has happened to your life?

3. He also lived with her, so they’d even hang out on the weekends.

“Since I do photography and she loves photo shoots, we’d do all these impromptu photo shoots around LA and at her house.”

Wouldn’t you say having your boss/roommate ask you to take pictures of her in an S&M suit in the hallway bathroom might be crossing the employer/employee line?

4. He had to make sure she wasn’t behind the wheel of a car and when she did drive and get them in an accident he had to bail her out of jail.

Lindsay rear-ended an 18-wheeler…with Gavin in the passenger seat. He got a giant cut on his right leg from broken glass, and when the police arrived at the scene, Lindsay allegedly lied to them at first, claiming Gavin was the driver. “Then I had to bail her out of jail. I went to the police station and called everyone I knew—her attorneys, her mother—and I finagled,” he says. “I had to smooth things over. She didn’t want anyone on set to talk to her about the accident.”

Great idea! Let her drive, especially after you’ve seen her do drugs. And why not pay to get her out of jail after she’s nearly killed you and she pays you in marbles? There has got to be a better way to get free sunglasses or face bronzer.

5. You best dress up.

Lindsay’s other assistant lived in sweatpants. (Most celebs have one full-time assistant, plus a second part-time person during filming or touring.) “It drove Lindsay crazy because she wanted her to dress better,” Gavin says. “There was one time when we were going to the Polo Lounge for a meeting and she wore sweats. It’s just not appropriate because she’s a reflection of Lindsay.”

Yes, the 19 year-old assistant making less than minimum wage should forgo the sweatpants so she can better reflect a girl who is most of the time passed out in a car or on a sidewalk outside a nightclub. Makes sense.

- Kate Casey is a Pop Culture Lover. PR Pro. Soon-to-be New mom again. Comedy nerd. Celebrity gossip fan. Follow her on Twitter